The Issue of Rating

A couple people have been e-mailing me, wondering about the fact that I rated this blog to contain some adult material, and yet, beyond the very first post, they haven't seen nary a curse word or utter rudeness or controversy. So they've asked that I change it so they don't have to go through that whole "I accept" thing.

I'd like you to bear in mind that I did not rate this Adult solely because of adult content (although I have and will reviewed M rated games and R rated movies), but rather because it's a review, and there are bound to be some people so passionate to the Halo series that they'll burn my house down for daring to not give it a perfect. And it is their language, not mine, that I was afraid would offend someone.

Allow us to pause for a moment while teh Interweebs "lol" at that.

I'd also like you to remember that these first few posts are all directly taken from what was printed on my school newspaper. Therefore, there is bound to be a level of censorship, due to the school board being a pretentious ass in denial, refusing to believe that sixteen-year-olds know what the word "fuck" means. Once the final issue is out, which should be in a couple of weeks now that I think on it, and I post that article onto here, I will go on ahead with my original plan.

And trust me, I will be far more vulgar when the occasion calls.

Old Psychiatric Brawl

Mindless Self Entertainment
By James del Rosario

Charlie Bartlett (movie in theaters, rated R)

Have you ever been lost? Lonely? Completely confused about your life and feel you need some therapy? Well, here you have it! In a bathroom stall! Provided by someone your age! Okay, so it doesn’t exactly sound like the smartest thing in the world, but this gives off the premise for a potentially great movie. Anton Yelchin, who plays the titular role, may well be the next Matthew Broderick. Yelchin is six years younger than Broderick was when he starred in Ferris Beuller’s Day Off. The acting is only as good as the script lets it be, and there some absolutely hilarious moments in the film, though the softer, tender moments tend to veer way off from what was intended. All in all, it’s not a bad movie. Might be worth a look. I’ll grab some caramel popcorn for you when you go check it out. Or not. Yeah, probably not.
3 ½ out of 5 ticket stubs


10,000 B.C. (movie in theaters, rated PG-13)

Check out this old movie. Get it? Old? 10,000 B.C.? All right, so that’s not the greatest joke in the world, but thankfully the movie is far better than my attempts at humor. The story has its moments, but in the end it doesn’t give anything new to the “Guy-Goes-To-Save-His-Woman” genre. The special effects are superb, brilliantly recreating wooly mammoths and saber-tooth tigers. The action scenes are adequate, though I’m not sure of the accuracy because I’m not 12,007 years old and wasn’t around back them. So drawing from my limited knowledge of the prehistoric world, I give 10,000 B.C.:
3 out of 5 ticket stubs


Super Smash Bros. Brawl (game for the Wii, rated T)

I have been waiting all year to play this game. Wait, scratch that, I have been waiting since the release of Melee to play this game. And about three weeks before its intended release date, I learn it gets delayed by about two months. It was scheduled to be released December 12^th, just in time for the 2007 Christmas season, but was delayed to February 10^th, 2008. It was then delayed to March 9^th State-side, and was released in Japan on January 31^st. Needless to say, these delays have done nothing but give me a couple of aneurysms and a slew of temper tantrums involving steel bongo drums, a picture of a UFO, and a donut. When I finally got my hands on it, there was way too much packed into it for me to expose in one day, and believe me I tried. Nintendo stuffed everything and the kitchen sink into this game, from Wi-Fi play to an all-new adventure mode and even a 35-strong roster of fighters! Although it still leaves me confused as to why they absolutely insist on continuing to have Jigglypuff. Aside from that, there's all the new stages to fight in, all the new items, and the amazingly incorporated Final Smashes involved. I mean, seriously, I’m getting dangerously close to letting out my inner fanboy-ism. That said, on to the bad. To most non-hardcore gamers, a 44-character roster might be a bit overwhelming, and the load times are a bit longer than I’d like. Which is to be expected, considering, but still. I award Super Smash Bros. Brawl with:
475 out of 500 HP

Eying Devils

Mindless Self Entertainment
By James del Rosario

The Eye (movie in theaters, rated R)

Perchance, I may be biased because I have a special appreciation in my heart for things out of Asia. Whenever we, as in America, decide to remake an Asian film, and especially horror films, my heart flutters faintly because I know we’ll screw up immensely. So when I heard about the remake of the old Chinese horror movie, The Eye, I was understandably cautious. Without a doubt, this was the absolute worst movie I have ever seen. When a horror movie is filled with nothing but gloomy atmosphere and “I-can-see-it-coming” jolts, you have to find a way to occupy yourself. Me, I had a pretzel. And it was honestly more entertaining than the movie.
1 out of 5 ticket stubs


Devil May Cry 4 (game for the PS3, rated M)

To all of those people familiar with the Devil May Cry series may be slightly confused as to why Dante isn’t the main character this time. He appears more as a cameo, not being playable until the last half of the game. Instead, you play as newcomer Nero, chasing after Dante because he for some reason killed your friends, which just happen to be a group of Holy Knights. Hmm. Thankfully, this franchise hasn’t left its roots of action, action, and more action. There’s a new combat system which incorporates Nero’s Devil Bringer, which, in essence, is a spiritual extension of your arm that acts as a grappling hook. I don’t care what anyone says, that is sweet.
375 out of 500 HP

I Am A Legendary Barber Who Is The Best Guitar Hero In The Galaxy

Mindless Self Entertainment
By James del Rosario

Disclosure: The following are solely opinions. I’ll give you facts about the movie/game to help you decide whether or not to see/play it, but the ratings are just my own thoughts. Please do not call me in the middle of the night threatening my life because you felt Halo 3 should’ve gotten a perfect score instead of 450.

I Am Legend (movie on DVD, rated PG-13)

For all who thought Will Smith had been in them all: animated comedy, action, romantic comedy, serio-drama, sci-fi action with robots, and sci-fi action with aliens, be prepared to see him fighting zombies! Or not. Okay, he’s avoiding the zombies. Until he chases his dog into a dark abandoned… well, they were never clear as to what that building was. There’s a lot of scenes with him doing just nothing, and there really isn’t that much action until the last thirty-five minutes. But it’s still a great movie.
3 ½ out of 5 ticket stubs


Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (movie on DVD, rated R)

Never thought I’d see the day when a mass murderer would have a musical. Anyone prepared to see “Jack the Singing Ripper” next? A guy uses his barber-ing skills to get revenge against a man who wronged him. It’s gory as only Tim Burton can provide gore, as artsy as he possibly can. The songs are catchy, but many of them remind of, well, other songs in the same movie. And why is half the cast of Harry Potter here without Daniel Radcliffe? To commemorate this occasion that Johnny Depp can sing:
4 out of 5 ticket stubs


Super Mario Galaxy (game for the Wii, rated T)

Wow. Princess Peach has been kidnapped. Yep, just like every other Mario game in the history of the universe. Okay, so it doesn’t have much of a story. Where’s the surprise there? The graphics are adequate, the game play and physics are top-notch. Only two qualms: swimming sucks. I’m biased because I’ve always despised underwater levels, but still. And why would you give us a million lives just to take them away when we turn off the game? The magic we all experienced when we saw the Nintendo icon in 3D for the first time can’t ever be recreated, but Galaxy comes pretty darn close.
475 out of 500 HP


Guitar Hero III (game for the XBox360, rated M)

Ah, yes, another Guitar Hero. As with any music game, the review begins and ends with the soundtrack. Thankfully, they’ve got plenty of “tight leather jeans” songs to rock out to, and less cover-up bands than before. The difficulty curve, however, sucks. Easy is too easy and Hard feels like you’re playing the songs on fast-forward. Or maybe I’m still an amateur. And to all of those people who say “Extreme isn’t that hard!” then you either have eight arms or a pet tarantula you’ve trained to play for you. The music rocks, though, and I give this game:
400 out of 500 HP

A Movie, A Book, A TV Show, And A Video Game All Went Into A Bar...

Mindless Self Entertainment
By James del Rosario

Hitman (movie on DVD, rated R)

If there was ever any movie based on a video game that missed its target further (which is slightly ironic considering the title), I’ve yet to meet it, and I hope I never will. Hitman the game involves you playing Agent 47, going around killing famous people, and you were scored by how well you executed the kill. The less people suspected and the more it looked like an accident, the more money you make. It appealed to the ninja side of me. Yet the movie incorporated every single action movie cliché, with Agent 47 being a reformed man who decides the organization he works for isn’t all it’s cut out to be. No! Bad Hollywood! While bad enough in itself, it didn’t even manage to make my action-junkie side happy. Terribly executed (notice the pun), this movie gains:
1 out of 5 ticket stubs

Vampire Rain (game for the XBox360, rated M)

It sounds promising at first—a stealth game where you are part of a secret organization that kills vampires under the cover of darkness. Stealth my butt. You can walk directly in front of the vampire you wish to kill and he won’t notice you have a gun pointed at his face for a full five seconds. And when he finally does, you die. Don’t bother shooting back, because you will die. There is no difficulty adjustment, and when you die, you start at the very beginning of the level. No matter what. The multiplayer is nothing but a gimmick, the controls are awkward and unnatural, the story is terrible, and the voice acting belongs to a made-for-TV movie. Like a stake through my vampire-loving heart, Vampire Rain gets:
150 out of 500 HP

Reaper (TV show on the CW17, rated TV-14)

Sam Oliver is a slacker because his parents never pushed him. They pushed his younger brother Kyle to be the best, but let Sam get away with anything. As a result, he’s dropped out of college, has a dead end job, and lives with his parents. On his 21st birthday, he finds out why his parents were so nice—they accidentally sold his soul to the devil before he was even born. Now Satan has given him the task of collecting souls that have escaped from hell. Relatively funny, the show isn’t bad, but it doesn’t stand out either. Reaper deserves a heaven-sent:
3 out of 5 TV remotes

I Am America (And So Can You!) (book by Stephen Colbert)

We all know Stephen Colbert from The Colbert Report (soft T’s, please) on Comedy Central. That is merely one side of him, which his new book fully extorts. Hilariously one-sided, his chapters range from “Family,” which essentially talks about his family, how they’re better and how we can be more like him, to “Religion,” where he exhorts Jews, gentiles, atheists, and Scientologists to jump on the “Jesus Train.” And much like his show’s segment, “The Word,” he has his own footnotes in the margins making fun of himself. But does it work? Though it’s a nice reminder of how stupid we all are at heart, the humor is sometimes either too forced or too clever, forcing me to go “Wait, what?” Not bad, Colbert, but not your best. I give I Am America (And So Can You):
3 ½ out of 5 letters

The January Issue Preface

I'm not entirely sure exactly why I reviewed a book and a TV show in this particular article. At the time, I believe it had something to do with my sub-editor ragging on me for being mean to games she enjoyed. I think she basically ordered me to rate a book and a show along with a movie and a game.

Perhaps it was this injustice so clearly done to me that sparked my mean streak. When it sucks, I'm going to tell you.

Not gonna lie.

The Delay

I apologize for the delay in posts. My flash drive, which has all of my reviews on it, has currently gone AWOL. While I'm sure it's bound to turn up somewhere in that tornado-striked hell I lovingly refer to as "my room," I do realize that the two of you that actually enjoy reading this are probably imagining to rip my spinal cord out. That ought to be fun, eh?

I promise I'll find my articles soon, and continue posting as soon as I've found them.

The December Issue (Internet Edition)

Mindless Self Entertainment (Internet Edition)
By James del Rosario

Now, you didn’t really think the only type of electronic visual stimulation was the television, did you? Seeing as I’m addicted to the computer as well, I thought I’d try something a little different this month.

YouTube User-Uploaded Videos

Charlie the Unicorn

This video had me split two ways. It has terrible animation, most of the voice acting gets on your nerves, and the “Candy Mountain” song has given me a strong desire to slam my head through the wall. But it was the all the things that normally make a video terrible that made this particular one hilarious. It has me addicted, I can’t stop watching, and I hate it while loving it at the same time. So, to resist giving it a 4, I award it:
3 ½ out of 5 ticket stubs


Smosh Productions

Anthony Padilla and Ian Hecox from Carmichael, California have created quite possibly my favorite series of videos to ever come out of YouTube. Each video is absolutely hilarious, and while they all induce the same type of comedy, they also renovate it each time to give each video its own personality. They’ve won YouTube’s coveted Best Comedy Award for their video “Stranded,” and their music video for the theme song of “Pokemon” was once YouTube’s most viewed video until it was removed due to a copyright claim by another user. I proudly give Smosh M.S.E.’s very first:
5 out of 5 ticket stubs (as we hear “Hail to the Chief” in the background)

Flash Games

The Grow Games

From Eyezmaze in Japan comes this Flash puzzle game called Grow. It's very simple to play: you drag and drop the "materials" over to the GROW symbol, and then they begin to—you guessed it—grow. Only one item can be dropped per turn and throughout the turns the materials level up. Depending on the order in which you drop them, some materials will level up more than others, and some will affect the way others grow. There’s only one correct order to level every item to its maximum. It’s challenging, cute, entertaining, and will hold your attention for hours. I award the Grow series:
475 out of 500 HP


Escape the Room

Many of us, including myself, have been captivated by it. Some of us, including myself, have been reduced to tears. And one of us, including myself, has chucked his computer out his window after being stuck in the same spot for five hours. The goal is simple: escape. Clues are hidden in the most unlikely of hiding spots, and you should be clicking every single thing in sight in twenty different places. There are games that are far too easy for the series, created by people with nothing else to do, and then there are games that seem to have no solution whatsoever, created by smarter people with nothing else to do. For making me cry, I give Escape:
300 out of 500 HP

The November Issue

Mindless Self Entertainment
by James del Rosario

The Heartbreak Kid (On DVD, rated R)

A remake of the 1972 original with the same name, The Heartbreak Kid tells the story of a man whose marriage goes horribly wrong mere days after the ceremony is finished. While on his honeymoon, he falls for another, presumably unattainable woman who is most definitely not his wife. Well, doesn't that suck? A formula for disaster, the movie doesn't reach its full potential. While the laughs are many and the story well developed, there are many missed opportunities; times where I thought they could have pulled of some more "Oh snap!" moments. Hereafter, The Heartbreak Kid shall have:
3 ¹/₂ out of 5 ticket stubs


Across The Universe (On DVD, rated PG-13)

I'm a fan of musicals, and when I heard there was a musical based entirely on the Beatles' music, I nearly fainted. Then I heard it wasn't showing in Jacksonville. So I dished out two hundred dollars to have a buddy of mine take me to Tampa solely so I could watch it. Unfortunately, the plot could literally be described in a children's book, and almsot every character's name is linked to a Beatles' song. Thankfully, the movie shines in the songs and the visual, psychedelic experience. The odd blend of sensuality and brutality comes forth to make an otherwise boring movie:
4 out of 5 ticket stubs


Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (On DVD, rated PG)

The good guys stretch, burn, disappear, and are made of rock, while the bad guy is made of metal. All comic book geeks unite! We must band together to defeat this abomination to all things Marvel! I ranted for three days straight after seeing this movie. I mean, it was seventy minutes of talking mixed with twenty minutes of "I think we're watching an action scene" scenes. The Silver Surfer, while quite possibly the coolest-looking thing in the moive, was only a harbinger of an even bigger threat: Galacticus, the Planet Eater, and also the most disappointing aspect of the film. In the graphic novel, Galacticus is a giant who speaks in old English and refers to himself in the the third person. ("What do mere human lives mean to Galacticus?") In the movie, he's a could that goes "whossh." Yeah.
1 ¹/₂ out of 5 ticket stubs


The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass (For the DS, rated T)

The Legend does it again. Not only does it prove the story of Link is timeless, Phantom Hourglass shows they can modify the way you play the game over and over and over while still keeping the familiarity of the first. The game is entirely touch-based, completely doing away with the D-pad (the arrows for those who have no idea what that means, and if you don't, really, why are you reading this?). This is both hindering and refreshing. While it's nice to play games a different way, those who prefer the alternative will have no option to switch the control schem. It works, with some definite gripes, but all in all Phantom Hourglass can do nothing but satisfy. Like a Snickers, this game gets:
400 out of 500 HP


Halo 3 (For the XBox360, rated M)

The fight is finally finished. There is no cliffhanger ending that will make you want to chuck your controller at the TV screen, and no question that it is a worthy conclusion to a great trilogy. Campaign mode has its moments and its issues as always. The levels are no longer "Ger from point A to point B" and are more widespread. There's still some backtracking, but it isn't as tedious as before. The difficulty setting is out of wack, but done purposefully. Normal is way too easy for Halo experts, but just hard enough for those who don't worship every aspect of it. The voice acting and storyline are still terrible, though. Like its predecessors, the glory in Halo 3 lies in Multiplayer. There are more maps, more weapons, and more physics. Not to mention the amazing graphics. I award Halo 3 a well-deserved and well-anticipated:
450 out of 500 HP


Ratchet & Clank Future: Tools of Destruction (For the PS3, rated T)

That certainly is a title. As a long time fan of the series, I'm happy the game plays much like the others, with similar physics and mechanics. And there's nary a moment where there isn't some huge explosion on screen. Falling debris, last minute jumps and constant environmental changes adds much more platforming than in previous titles. Not to mention the added bonus of being able to transform your enemies into penguins, then busting out the Groovatron and forcing them to dance. That is quite awesome, and therefore deserves:
400 out of 500 HP

The October Issue

Mindless Self Entertainment
By James del Rosario

Superbad (On DVD, a comedy rated R)

The story of two teenaged boys who are the ideal stereotypical image of what an 18-year-old high school graduate is obsessed with—sex, booze, and best friends. From watching the trailers to watching the movie, the film is exactly what you’d expect; a raunchy, outrageous, and screamingly funny film. The humor is very sexual, and there are probably only two sentences in the entire 104 minutes that don’t have a curse word uttered. The dialogue is very graphic, and there are many ridiculously quotable lines. This film was directed towards and meant for teenagers, and I give this film:
4 out of 5 Ticket Stubs

Balls of Fury (On DVD, a comedy rated PG-13)

A ping-pong child prodigy, disgraced in a tournament and now making his way as a showman in a dirty, rundown restaurant, who gets the courage to start playing again to take down the evil Chinese Triad leader who killed his father. Sounds like a “banging” good time, eh? Please forgive the pun—my wit sucks, much like this movie. There were some funny moments, but it was all very slapstick, stupid, and oftentimes just plain gross. The film never takes itself seriously, and the people who go, like myself, aren’t expecting an award-winning film, just to laugh at 90 minutes worth of cheap jokes. Really, really cheap jokes. Therefore, I award Balls of Fury:
2 out of 5 Ticket Stubs

Blades Of Glory (out on DVD, a comedy rated PG-13)

Perhaps nowhere else in sports will there be such a beautiful combination of strength and grace than in figure skating—the lifts, jumps, and routines paint an elegant world, a rare universe, a noble place. At least, it used to until Will Ferrell and Jon Heder decided to mess with it. In traditional “Will Ferrell” style, the film is filled to the brim with idiotic humor, somewhat tangible logic, and loopholes that’ll make your head spin. The colorfully abused costumes are merely the icing on a mediocre cake that has both subtle and ridiculously exposed absurdity. Sadly, however, though the comedy is rather fresh, the story reeks of Ferrell’s other movies, and therefore I feel this deserves:
3 ¹/₂ out of 5 Ticket Stubs

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption (For the Wii, rated T)

After great anticipation for the final of the Prime trilogy in the Metroid series, I finally got to experience the sci-fi shooter magic. Corruption continues the story of the mysterious Phazon element. The Prime games are different from the classic Metroid platformer by adding a first-person view, giving a more in-depth feeling to the game play. Corruption continues this tradition while mixing in complicated puzzles, more upgrades and beam weapons, and even Samus’ spaceship getting to see some action. The game promises to be much bigger than its predecessors, with graphics both revolutionary for the games and the Wii itself. However, the controls sometimes aren’t as smooth as other Wii games, and the graphics, though quite good, are still lagging behind the other competitors. I award Metroid Prime 3: Corruption:
350 out of 500 HP


Heavenly Sword (For the Playstation 3, rated M)

At first glance, this may look like a God of War copy with a lean-and-mean female on a rampage instead of a steroid-induced male. It’s not. At least, not totally. Though some of the game play may have been inspired by God of War, the controls and combos in Heavenly Sword are much more deliberate and the enemies a lot smarter. Therefore, if you rely on random-button mashing to get past a game, you probably won’t get very far. The feature of being able to switch weapons in the middle of a combo adds to the endless amount of havoc you can wreak upon your foes. The story is a little overrated (a lone survivor trying to avenge the destruction of her village), but the brutality of the battles and the beauty of the graphics makes up for it. Still, it feels too much like God of War for me to take seriously. Heavenly Sword earns:
300 out of 500 HP

Bioshock (For the Xbox 360, rated M)

You’ve crashed your airplane on an island in the middle of the ocean, you’ve found a conveniently placed submarine in an abandoned building which just happens to be on autopilot and travels to the depths of the ocean. There you find an unknown underwater metropolis named Rapture, where mutants run rampant and you’re all alone. Okay, so the plot doesn’t seem all that impressive, but it does branch from the clichéd and tiring. The two main things you have to worry about in this first-person shooter are the “Little Sisters”, which you can either save to befriend and get gifts from, or harvest to increase your ADAM, which is used to upgrade your telekinetic powers, and the “Big Daddies”, (shown left) whom you must kill because they protect the Little Sisters. Much like the dating scene. Because it’s so like my life, I give Bioshock:

400 out of 500 HP