The Final Northeaster

Mindless Self Entertainment

by James del Rosario

We've finally made it to the concluding issue of this school year. This is to be my closing article (yes, that's right--weep. Your anguish sustains me!) And in response, I am telling you which movies and games stuck itself in my mind, for whatever reason, during Mindless Self Entertainment's short lifetime.

Juno (movie on DVD, rated PG-13)

I'm going to say the same thing about this as I do about chocolate sprinkles: get it, and devour it. This movie not only has it all, it executes everything to the greatest perfection. The characters play a serious situation with the greatest of sarcasm and wit, and you just can't help but love Juno. Even I, who dislike sappy moments in the middle of comedies, just love the smooth transitions between dramatic tension and laugh-out-loud hilarious. This movie is by far the greatest achievement of the year, and it is a must-buy for any DVD collection. Special features include "never before seen" behind-the-scenes interviews. I actually began wondering what would happen if you put chocolate sprinkles on top of Juno. Possibly the universe would end. And it would be awesome.

5 out of 5 ticket stubs

Shutter (movie in theaters, rated PG-13)

Okay, seriously, I'm starting to get worried about my sanity. Did I not just see this movie? With Jessica Alba? Or was it Sarah Michelle Gellar? It gets really confusing, what with the never-ending slew of really bad Asian horror film remakes. Perhaps I'm just developing a bias against these horror movies, but Shutter truly just wasn't a good film. Go ahead, watch it. I dare you. And when you're crying your eyes out from the intense horror of this atrocity, horror that isn't given through its intent, I will be standing over you, laughing my head off. Which, unlike Shutter, really is a terrifying sight.

0.25 out of 5 ticket stubs

The Hottie & The Nottie (movie in theaters, rated PG-13)

Ah, yes, another vulgar establishment of Paris Hilton's never-ending vanity. This movie succeeds in doing just one thing: trumpeting the most anti-feminist message I have heard in recent years. The only reason, I can think, that this movie was created was to torture all those who dislike Hilton. Although, there is hope. John Lennon's album, Imagine, went to number 1 on the charts after he died. Paris Hilton fans have promised that her album and movies will also hit the top, if she too agrees to die. Perhaps this is a sensible career choice, Paris.

0.25 out of 5 ticket stubs

Patapon (game for the PSP, rated E)

If you smashed together a red ball of Play-Doh and a blue ball of Play-Doh, you would expect the resulting mass to become purple. This is exactly what Patapon does, and yet they've somehow come out with a rainbow-colored miniature Venus de Milo. Patapon takes several key elements from different genres and creates a PSP game that basically tastes like deliciousness. It blends rhythm-based controls with a horizontally scrolling, real-time strategy game, and has plenty of RPG-styled gear and fantastic visuals painted by some French dude! It's nothing like any game that's come before it, and its retail price is about half of most other PSP games. It's about as much of a "duh" choice as the decision to not jump into an active volcano.

500 out of 500 HP

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (game for the Wii, rated T)

By far, this is the best idea that Nintendo has ever come up with, and possibly one of the best games in the history of the entertainment industry. Twilight Princess smashes together the greatest of 3D gameplay and the best of the 2D weaponry, such as the classic Ball'n'Chain from Link to the Past. And while I thought that enemy was just annoying and near impossible to defeat, I now have the intense pleasure of wielding this weapon for my own. Featuring a much darker storyline than previous titles, this games is absolutely epic and breathtaking. While most other games in the series just involved you walking from one dungeon to another, this time around, the paths to the dungeons are sometimes just as challenging and fun as the dungeons themselves. The graphics, while not on par with other next-gen games, are still the best featured on the Wii. Practically twice as big as any other Zelda game, Twilight Princess is an absolute must-have for any Wii-owner.
500 out of 500 HP


History Channel: Battle for the Pacific (game for the XBox360, rated T)

So here's the good: it plays when you enter it into the system. The bad? Terrible AI, shoddy, put-together-at-the-last-minute mission system coupled with sleepy voiceovers probably provided by the same old men you see on the History Channel, and the fact that I shelled out ten dollars to rent it. I'd say there was a problem with the difficulty curve as well, if ti weren't for the fact that there's a severe lack of one. A typical mission involves "staying alive," which was utterly laughable considering the enemies just looked at me while I waited for the countdown to finish, eventually going onto MySpace to entertain myself while playing a game. That's right; I had to find a way to entertain myself while playing a game, therefore proving that History Channel: Battle for the Pacific has utterly defeated itself in its own purpose.
25 out of 500 HP

Old Psychiatric Brawl

Mindless Self Entertainment
By James del Rosario

Charlie Bartlett (movie in theaters, rated R)

Have you ever been lost? Lonely? Completely confused about your life and feel you need some therapy? Well, here you have it! In a bathroom stall! Provided by someone your age! Okay, so it doesn’t exactly sound like the smartest thing in the world, but this gives off the premise for a potentially great movie. Anton Yelchin, who plays the titular role, may well be the next Matthew Broderick. Yelchin is six years younger than Broderick was when he starred in Ferris Beuller’s Day Off. The acting is only as good as the script lets it be, and there some absolutely hilarious moments in the film, though the softer, tender moments tend to veer way off from what was intended. All in all, it’s not a bad movie. Might be worth a look. I’ll grab some caramel popcorn for you when you go check it out. Or not. Yeah, probably not.
3 ½ out of 5 ticket stubs


10,000 B.C. (movie in theaters, rated PG-13)

Check out this old movie. Get it? Old? 10,000 B.C.? All right, so that’s not the greatest joke in the world, but thankfully the movie is far better than my attempts at humor. The story has its moments, but in the end it doesn’t give anything new to the “Guy-Goes-To-Save-His-Woman” genre. The special effects are superb, brilliantly recreating wooly mammoths and saber-tooth tigers. The action scenes are adequate, though I’m not sure of the accuracy because I’m not 12,007 years old and wasn’t around back them. So drawing from my limited knowledge of the prehistoric world, I give 10,000 B.C.:
3 out of 5 ticket stubs


Super Smash Bros. Brawl (game for the Wii, rated T)

I have been waiting all year to play this game. Wait, scratch that, I have been waiting since the release of Melee to play this game. And about three weeks before its intended release date, I learn it gets delayed by about two months. It was scheduled to be released December 12^th, just in time for the 2007 Christmas season, but was delayed to February 10^th, 2008. It was then delayed to March 9^th State-side, and was released in Japan on January 31^st. Needless to say, these delays have done nothing but give me a couple of aneurysms and a slew of temper tantrums involving steel bongo drums, a picture of a UFO, and a donut. When I finally got my hands on it, there was way too much packed into it for me to expose in one day, and believe me I tried. Nintendo stuffed everything and the kitchen sink into this game, from Wi-Fi play to an all-new adventure mode and even a 35-strong roster of fighters! Although it still leaves me confused as to why they absolutely insist on continuing to have Jigglypuff. Aside from that, there's all the new stages to fight in, all the new items, and the amazingly incorporated Final Smashes involved. I mean, seriously, I’m getting dangerously close to letting out my inner fanboy-ism. That said, on to the bad. To most non-hardcore gamers, a 44-character roster might be a bit overwhelming, and the load times are a bit longer than I’d like. Which is to be expected, considering, but still. I award Super Smash Bros. Brawl with:
475 out of 500 HP

Eying Devils

Mindless Self Entertainment
By James del Rosario

The Eye (movie in theaters, rated R)

Perchance, I may be biased because I have a special appreciation in my heart for things out of Asia. Whenever we, as in America, decide to remake an Asian film, and especially horror films, my heart flutters faintly because I know we’ll screw up immensely. So when I heard about the remake of the old Chinese horror movie, The Eye, I was understandably cautious. Without a doubt, this was the absolute worst movie I have ever seen. When a horror movie is filled with nothing but gloomy atmosphere and “I-can-see-it-coming” jolts, you have to find a way to occupy yourself. Me, I had a pretzel. And it was honestly more entertaining than the movie.
1 out of 5 ticket stubs


Devil May Cry 4 (game for the PS3, rated M)

To all of those people familiar with the Devil May Cry series may be slightly confused as to why Dante isn’t the main character this time. He appears more as a cameo, not being playable until the last half of the game. Instead, you play as newcomer Nero, chasing after Dante because he for some reason killed your friends, which just happen to be a group of Holy Knights. Hmm. Thankfully, this franchise hasn’t left its roots of action, action, and more action. There’s a new combat system which incorporates Nero’s Devil Bringer, which, in essence, is a spiritual extension of your arm that acts as a grappling hook. I don’t care what anyone says, that is sweet.
375 out of 500 HP

I Am A Legendary Barber Who Is The Best Guitar Hero In The Galaxy

Mindless Self Entertainment
By James del Rosario

Disclosure: The following are solely opinions. I’ll give you facts about the movie/game to help you decide whether or not to see/play it, but the ratings are just my own thoughts. Please do not call me in the middle of the night threatening my life because you felt Halo 3 should’ve gotten a perfect score instead of 450.

I Am Legend (movie on DVD, rated PG-13)

For all who thought Will Smith had been in them all: animated comedy, action, romantic comedy, serio-drama, sci-fi action with robots, and sci-fi action with aliens, be prepared to see him fighting zombies! Or not. Okay, he’s avoiding the zombies. Until he chases his dog into a dark abandoned… well, they were never clear as to what that building was. There’s a lot of scenes with him doing just nothing, and there really isn’t that much action until the last thirty-five minutes. But it’s still a great movie.
3 ½ out of 5 ticket stubs


Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (movie on DVD, rated R)

Never thought I’d see the day when a mass murderer would have a musical. Anyone prepared to see “Jack the Singing Ripper” next? A guy uses his barber-ing skills to get revenge against a man who wronged him. It’s gory as only Tim Burton can provide gore, as artsy as he possibly can. The songs are catchy, but many of them remind of, well, other songs in the same movie. And why is half the cast of Harry Potter here without Daniel Radcliffe? To commemorate this occasion that Johnny Depp can sing:
4 out of 5 ticket stubs


Super Mario Galaxy (game for the Wii, rated T)

Wow. Princess Peach has been kidnapped. Yep, just like every other Mario game in the history of the universe. Okay, so it doesn’t have much of a story. Where’s the surprise there? The graphics are adequate, the game play and physics are top-notch. Only two qualms: swimming sucks. I’m biased because I’ve always despised underwater levels, but still. And why would you give us a million lives just to take them away when we turn off the game? The magic we all experienced when we saw the Nintendo icon in 3D for the first time can’t ever be recreated, but Galaxy comes pretty darn close.
475 out of 500 HP


Guitar Hero III (game for the XBox360, rated M)

Ah, yes, another Guitar Hero. As with any music game, the review begins and ends with the soundtrack. Thankfully, they’ve got plenty of “tight leather jeans” songs to rock out to, and less cover-up bands than before. The difficulty curve, however, sucks. Easy is too easy and Hard feels like you’re playing the songs on fast-forward. Or maybe I’m still an amateur. And to all of those people who say “Extreme isn’t that hard!” then you either have eight arms or a pet tarantula you’ve trained to play for you. The music rocks, though, and I give this game:
400 out of 500 HP

A Movie, A Book, A TV Show, And A Video Game All Went Into A Bar...

Mindless Self Entertainment
By James del Rosario

Hitman (movie on DVD, rated R)

If there was ever any movie based on a video game that missed its target further (which is slightly ironic considering the title), I’ve yet to meet it, and I hope I never will. Hitman the game involves you playing Agent 47, going around killing famous people, and you were scored by how well you executed the kill. The less people suspected and the more it looked like an accident, the more money you make. It appealed to the ninja side of me. Yet the movie incorporated every single action movie cliché, with Agent 47 being a reformed man who decides the organization he works for isn’t all it’s cut out to be. No! Bad Hollywood! While bad enough in itself, it didn’t even manage to make my action-junkie side happy. Terribly executed (notice the pun), this movie gains:
1 out of 5 ticket stubs

Vampire Rain (game for the XBox360, rated M)

It sounds promising at first—a stealth game where you are part of a secret organization that kills vampires under the cover of darkness. Stealth my butt. You can walk directly in front of the vampire you wish to kill and he won’t notice you have a gun pointed at his face for a full five seconds. And when he finally does, you die. Don’t bother shooting back, because you will die. There is no difficulty adjustment, and when you die, you start at the very beginning of the level. No matter what. The multiplayer is nothing but a gimmick, the controls are awkward and unnatural, the story is terrible, and the voice acting belongs to a made-for-TV movie. Like a stake through my vampire-loving heart, Vampire Rain gets:
150 out of 500 HP

Reaper (TV show on the CW17, rated TV-14)

Sam Oliver is a slacker because his parents never pushed him. They pushed his younger brother Kyle to be the best, but let Sam get away with anything. As a result, he’s dropped out of college, has a dead end job, and lives with his parents. On his 21st birthday, he finds out why his parents were so nice—they accidentally sold his soul to the devil before he was even born. Now Satan has given him the task of collecting souls that have escaped from hell. Relatively funny, the show isn’t bad, but it doesn’t stand out either. Reaper deserves a heaven-sent:
3 out of 5 TV remotes

I Am America (And So Can You!) (book by Stephen Colbert)

We all know Stephen Colbert from The Colbert Report (soft T’s, please) on Comedy Central. That is merely one side of him, which his new book fully extorts. Hilariously one-sided, his chapters range from “Family,” which essentially talks about his family, how they’re better and how we can be more like him, to “Religion,” where he exhorts Jews, gentiles, atheists, and Scientologists to jump on the “Jesus Train.” And much like his show’s segment, “The Word,” he has his own footnotes in the margins making fun of himself. But does it work? Though it’s a nice reminder of how stupid we all are at heart, the humor is sometimes either too forced or too clever, forcing me to go “Wait, what?” Not bad, Colbert, but not your best. I give I Am America (And So Can You):
3 ½ out of 5 letters

The November Issue

Mindless Self Entertainment
by James del Rosario

The Heartbreak Kid (On DVD, rated R)

A remake of the 1972 original with the same name, The Heartbreak Kid tells the story of a man whose marriage goes horribly wrong mere days after the ceremony is finished. While on his honeymoon, he falls for another, presumably unattainable woman who is most definitely not his wife. Well, doesn't that suck? A formula for disaster, the movie doesn't reach its full potential. While the laughs are many and the story well developed, there are many missed opportunities; times where I thought they could have pulled of some more "Oh snap!" moments. Hereafter, The Heartbreak Kid shall have:
3 ¹/₂ out of 5 ticket stubs


Across The Universe (On DVD, rated PG-13)

I'm a fan of musicals, and when I heard there was a musical based entirely on the Beatles' music, I nearly fainted. Then I heard it wasn't showing in Jacksonville. So I dished out two hundred dollars to have a buddy of mine take me to Tampa solely so I could watch it. Unfortunately, the plot could literally be described in a children's book, and almsot every character's name is linked to a Beatles' song. Thankfully, the movie shines in the songs and the visual, psychedelic experience. The odd blend of sensuality and brutality comes forth to make an otherwise boring movie:
4 out of 5 ticket stubs


Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (On DVD, rated PG)

The good guys stretch, burn, disappear, and are made of rock, while the bad guy is made of metal. All comic book geeks unite! We must band together to defeat this abomination to all things Marvel! I ranted for three days straight after seeing this movie. I mean, it was seventy minutes of talking mixed with twenty minutes of "I think we're watching an action scene" scenes. The Silver Surfer, while quite possibly the coolest-looking thing in the moive, was only a harbinger of an even bigger threat: Galacticus, the Planet Eater, and also the most disappointing aspect of the film. In the graphic novel, Galacticus is a giant who speaks in old English and refers to himself in the the third person. ("What do mere human lives mean to Galacticus?") In the movie, he's a could that goes "whossh." Yeah.
1 ¹/₂ out of 5 ticket stubs


The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass (For the DS, rated T)

The Legend does it again. Not only does it prove the story of Link is timeless, Phantom Hourglass shows they can modify the way you play the game over and over and over while still keeping the familiarity of the first. The game is entirely touch-based, completely doing away with the D-pad (the arrows for those who have no idea what that means, and if you don't, really, why are you reading this?). This is both hindering and refreshing. While it's nice to play games a different way, those who prefer the alternative will have no option to switch the control schem. It works, with some definite gripes, but all in all Phantom Hourglass can do nothing but satisfy. Like a Snickers, this game gets:
400 out of 500 HP


Halo 3 (For the XBox360, rated M)

The fight is finally finished. There is no cliffhanger ending that will make you want to chuck your controller at the TV screen, and no question that it is a worthy conclusion to a great trilogy. Campaign mode has its moments and its issues as always. The levels are no longer "Ger from point A to point B" and are more widespread. There's still some backtracking, but it isn't as tedious as before. The difficulty setting is out of wack, but done purposefully. Normal is way too easy for Halo experts, but just hard enough for those who don't worship every aspect of it. The voice acting and storyline are still terrible, though. Like its predecessors, the glory in Halo 3 lies in Multiplayer. There are more maps, more weapons, and more physics. Not to mention the amazing graphics. I award Halo 3 a well-deserved and well-anticipated:
450 out of 500 HP


Ratchet & Clank Future: Tools of Destruction (For the PS3, rated T)

That certainly is a title. As a long time fan of the series, I'm happy the game plays much like the others, with similar physics and mechanics. And there's nary a moment where there isn't some huge explosion on screen. Falling debris, last minute jumps and constant environmental changes adds much more platforming than in previous titles. Not to mention the added bonus of being able to transform your enemies into penguins, then busting out the Groovatron and forcing them to dance. That is quite awesome, and therefore deserves:
400 out of 500 HP