Mario Kart Wii (game for the Wii, rated E)

I've never been a fan of Mario Kart. I've never been a fan of racing games altogether, no matter how kid and cutesy (Diddy Kong Racing) or how realistic and fast (Gran Turismo) they made them. And despite my utter dislike for cars and every vehicle derived thereof, I was actually looking forward to this title, if only because Brawl was slightly exhausting itself due to my utter lack of friends. I also didn't want to become the guy who so obviously plays games by himself due to the fact that he's so much better than everyone else, the lonely bastard.

Yet, with all the quirks and such packed into the game, I was left wanting a great deal of a little something called "more." All the hype, and the most I got out of it was trying out all the new characters. And by god, there are new characters. Honestly, I suppose I can't berate them too harshly for stuffing Diddy, Bowser Jr., and Baby Luigi, as they all had appearances in Double Dash. But why, for the love of God, would you stuff a Baby Daisy, Funky Kong, Dry Bowser, and fucking Rosalina? I mean, Rosalina? Rosalina, a fucking graduate of the Gerard Way School for Blond Emo Haircuts, becomes a kart-driver. Sure, the technology is a bit of a step down from that space station of hers, but as long as you have a Luma next to you, no big, right?

I find it a slight icky when I purchase a game with the word "kart" in the title, then suddenly find myself having to choose from ten motorcycles as well. And really, a motorcycle versus a go-kart seems a tad unbalanced.

Speaking of unbalanced, I really hate the item distribution system. Basically, the law states that if you're in first place, the only two possible items available to you are the Mushroom and a Banana, neither of which help you because there's never a path straight enough for you to use the boost without smacking into a wall, and Bananas are so easy to avoid it's not even fun to rub it in their face. And when you're in last, it's basically guaranteed that you get a Blue Shell, which doesn't help you at all, as it flies to blow up the person in first. But since you're in last, you're in no fucking position to overtake them.

While I realize that Mario Kart is meant to be more of a hectic party game than a race, Mario Kart Wii finally defines the drink between "fun time" and "making a complete ass of yourself when you try to make out with your best friend's wife." Which is possibly quite humorous to some, but many a friend have I lost to the incessant crawl of games that should have been snuffed after the second title. Nice enough for the kids, but not worthy of the hype it's been given.