Mario Kart Wii (game for the Wii, rated E)

I've never been a fan of Mario Kart. I've never been a fan of racing games altogether, no matter how kid and cutesy (Diddy Kong Racing) or how realistic and fast (Gran Turismo) they made them. And despite my utter dislike for cars and every vehicle derived thereof, I was actually looking forward to this title, if only because Brawl was slightly exhausting itself due to my utter lack of friends. I also didn't want to become the guy who so obviously plays games by himself due to the fact that he's so much better than everyone else, the lonely bastard.

Yet, with all the quirks and such packed into the game, I was left wanting a great deal of a little something called "more." All the hype, and the most I got out of it was trying out all the new characters. And by god, there are new characters. Honestly, I suppose I can't berate them too harshly for stuffing Diddy, Bowser Jr., and Baby Luigi, as they all had appearances in Double Dash. But why, for the love of God, would you stuff a Baby Daisy, Funky Kong, Dry Bowser, and fucking Rosalina? I mean, Rosalina? Rosalina, a fucking graduate of the Gerard Way School for Blond Emo Haircuts, becomes a kart-driver. Sure, the technology is a bit of a step down from that space station of hers, but as long as you have a Luma next to you, no big, right?

I find it a slight icky when I purchase a game with the word "kart" in the title, then suddenly find myself having to choose from ten motorcycles as well. And really, a motorcycle versus a go-kart seems a tad unbalanced.

Speaking of unbalanced, I really hate the item distribution system. Basically, the law states that if you're in first place, the only two possible items available to you are the Mushroom and a Banana, neither of which help you because there's never a path straight enough for you to use the boost without smacking into a wall, and Bananas are so easy to avoid it's not even fun to rub it in their face. And when you're in last, it's basically guaranteed that you get a Blue Shell, which doesn't help you at all, as it flies to blow up the person in first. But since you're in last, you're in no fucking position to overtake them.

While I realize that Mario Kart is meant to be more of a hectic party game than a race, Mario Kart Wii finally defines the drink between "fun time" and "making a complete ass of yourself when you try to make out with your best friend's wife." Which is possibly quite humorous to some, but many a friend have I lost to the incessant crawl of games that should have been snuffed after the second title. Nice enough for the kids, but not worthy of the hype it's been given.

Iron Man (movie in theaters, rated PG-13)

While I tend to be very nerdish when it comes to movies based on comic books, bashing them for not being true to the origin while still being all-in-all a good movie, I was pleasantly surprised by Iron Man. After the spectacular disaster that was Rise of the Silver Surfer, which was neither a good tribute nor a good movie, you can understand the skepticism I felt towards this new Marvel film. One part of me wanted to hate it, due to its "sure-to-be" deviation from the comic book, like X-Men, SpiderMan, and The Fantastic Four before it. Another part of me wanted to love the film because of its tribute to the one superhero that, while I'm sure the majority of comic book fans know him, isn't as well-known as, say, SpiderMan.

The final part told me to shut up and enjoy.

Which is what I did. Iron Man was both a good movie and tribute, which has been thus far been a concept beyond the thought-process of Hollywood. Where they've failed before, they've now succeeded. Previous Marvel films, while not being terrible movies, have changed the storylines and character portrayals so fiercely that now great story arcs such as Civil War are now impossible to achieve. SpiderMan 3, despite it being 95% chick-flick, I actually enjoyed, even through it's terrible portrayal of Venom. The alien symbiote in the movie enhanced feelings of anger and depression, while in the comic it wasn't the alien itself, but the power it gave its hosts that was corrupting, expressed through the fact that when SpiderMan first rejected the symbiote, he was fatally wounded, and the alien dragged him to safety before bonding with Eddie Brock. Likewise, Galacticus is definitely an intergalactic giant, as opposed to the cosmic cloud portrayed in Rise of the Silver Surfer.

Robert Downey, Jr.'s portrayal, however, was an excellent example of what an actor should do--become the character. As a matter of fact, I can no longer imagine Tony Stark played by anyone else. He just lets the billionaire-playboy shine through, making the action-packed movie still one of the funniest movies to come out this summer. The dialogue is generally witty and fresh than manufactured catchphrases, and the various action sequences are designed to be nothing anyone has seen, despite the numerous superhero movies out. Congrats, Tony Stark. The superhero franchise lives a bit longer thanks to your life-support system.

4 out of 5 ticket stubs

The Final Northeaster

Mindless Self Entertainment

by James del Rosario

We've finally made it to the concluding issue of this school year. This is to be my closing article (yes, that's right--weep. Your anguish sustains me!) And in response, I am telling you which movies and games stuck itself in my mind, for whatever reason, during Mindless Self Entertainment's short lifetime.

Juno (movie on DVD, rated PG-13)

I'm going to say the same thing about this as I do about chocolate sprinkles: get it, and devour it. This movie not only has it all, it executes everything to the greatest perfection. The characters play a serious situation with the greatest of sarcasm and wit, and you just can't help but love Juno. Even I, who dislike sappy moments in the middle of comedies, just love the smooth transitions between dramatic tension and laugh-out-loud hilarious. This movie is by far the greatest achievement of the year, and it is a must-buy for any DVD collection. Special features include "never before seen" behind-the-scenes interviews. I actually began wondering what would happen if you put chocolate sprinkles on top of Juno. Possibly the universe would end. And it would be awesome.

5 out of 5 ticket stubs

Shutter (movie in theaters, rated PG-13)

Okay, seriously, I'm starting to get worried about my sanity. Did I not just see this movie? With Jessica Alba? Or was it Sarah Michelle Gellar? It gets really confusing, what with the never-ending slew of really bad Asian horror film remakes. Perhaps I'm just developing a bias against these horror movies, but Shutter truly just wasn't a good film. Go ahead, watch it. I dare you. And when you're crying your eyes out from the intense horror of this atrocity, horror that isn't given through its intent, I will be standing over you, laughing my head off. Which, unlike Shutter, really is a terrifying sight.

0.25 out of 5 ticket stubs

The Hottie & The Nottie (movie in theaters, rated PG-13)

Ah, yes, another vulgar establishment of Paris Hilton's never-ending vanity. This movie succeeds in doing just one thing: trumpeting the most anti-feminist message I have heard in recent years. The only reason, I can think, that this movie was created was to torture all those who dislike Hilton. Although, there is hope. John Lennon's album, Imagine, went to number 1 on the charts after he died. Paris Hilton fans have promised that her album and movies will also hit the top, if she too agrees to die. Perhaps this is a sensible career choice, Paris.

0.25 out of 5 ticket stubs

Patapon (game for the PSP, rated E)

If you smashed together a red ball of Play-Doh and a blue ball of Play-Doh, you would expect the resulting mass to become purple. This is exactly what Patapon does, and yet they've somehow come out with a rainbow-colored miniature Venus de Milo. Patapon takes several key elements from different genres and creates a PSP game that basically tastes like deliciousness. It blends rhythm-based controls with a horizontally scrolling, real-time strategy game, and has plenty of RPG-styled gear and fantastic visuals painted by some French dude! It's nothing like any game that's come before it, and its retail price is about half of most other PSP games. It's about as much of a "duh" choice as the decision to not jump into an active volcano.

500 out of 500 HP

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (game for the Wii, rated T)

By far, this is the best idea that Nintendo has ever come up with, and possibly one of the best games in the history of the entertainment industry. Twilight Princess smashes together the greatest of 3D gameplay and the best of the 2D weaponry, such as the classic Ball'n'Chain from Link to the Past. And while I thought that enemy was just annoying and near impossible to defeat, I now have the intense pleasure of wielding this weapon for my own. Featuring a much darker storyline than previous titles, this games is absolutely epic and breathtaking. While most other games in the series just involved you walking from one dungeon to another, this time around, the paths to the dungeons are sometimes just as challenging and fun as the dungeons themselves. The graphics, while not on par with other next-gen games, are still the best featured on the Wii. Practically twice as big as any other Zelda game, Twilight Princess is an absolute must-have for any Wii-owner.
500 out of 500 HP


History Channel: Battle for the Pacific (game for the XBox360, rated T)

So here's the good: it plays when you enter it into the system. The bad? Terrible AI, shoddy, put-together-at-the-last-minute mission system coupled with sleepy voiceovers probably provided by the same old men you see on the History Channel, and the fact that I shelled out ten dollars to rent it. I'd say there was a problem with the difficulty curve as well, if ti weren't for the fact that there's a severe lack of one. A typical mission involves "staying alive," which was utterly laughable considering the enemies just looked at me while I waited for the countdown to finish, eventually going onto MySpace to entertain myself while playing a game. That's right; I had to find a way to entertain myself while playing a game, therefore proving that History Channel: Battle for the Pacific has utterly defeated itself in its own purpose.
25 out of 500 HP

The Issue of Rating

A couple people have been e-mailing me, wondering about the fact that I rated this blog to contain some adult material, and yet, beyond the very first post, they haven't seen nary a curse word or utter rudeness or controversy. So they've asked that I change it so they don't have to go through that whole "I accept" thing.

I'd like you to bear in mind that I did not rate this Adult solely because of adult content (although I have and will reviewed M rated games and R rated movies), but rather because it's a review, and there are bound to be some people so passionate to the Halo series that they'll burn my house down for daring to not give it a perfect. And it is their language, not mine, that I was afraid would offend someone.

Allow us to pause for a moment while teh Interweebs "lol" at that.

I'd also like you to remember that these first few posts are all directly taken from what was printed on my school newspaper. Therefore, there is bound to be a level of censorship, due to the school board being a pretentious ass in denial, refusing to believe that sixteen-year-olds know what the word "fuck" means. Once the final issue is out, which should be in a couple of weeks now that I think on it, and I post that article onto here, I will go on ahead with my original plan.

And trust me, I will be far more vulgar when the occasion calls.

Old Psychiatric Brawl

Mindless Self Entertainment
By James del Rosario

Charlie Bartlett (movie in theaters, rated R)

Have you ever been lost? Lonely? Completely confused about your life and feel you need some therapy? Well, here you have it! In a bathroom stall! Provided by someone your age! Okay, so it doesn’t exactly sound like the smartest thing in the world, but this gives off the premise for a potentially great movie. Anton Yelchin, who plays the titular role, may well be the next Matthew Broderick. Yelchin is six years younger than Broderick was when he starred in Ferris Beuller’s Day Off. The acting is only as good as the script lets it be, and there some absolutely hilarious moments in the film, though the softer, tender moments tend to veer way off from what was intended. All in all, it’s not a bad movie. Might be worth a look. I’ll grab some caramel popcorn for you when you go check it out. Or not. Yeah, probably not.
3 ½ out of 5 ticket stubs


10,000 B.C. (movie in theaters, rated PG-13)

Check out this old movie. Get it? Old? 10,000 B.C.? All right, so that’s not the greatest joke in the world, but thankfully the movie is far better than my attempts at humor. The story has its moments, but in the end it doesn’t give anything new to the “Guy-Goes-To-Save-His-Woman” genre. The special effects are superb, brilliantly recreating wooly mammoths and saber-tooth tigers. The action scenes are adequate, though I’m not sure of the accuracy because I’m not 12,007 years old and wasn’t around back them. So drawing from my limited knowledge of the prehistoric world, I give 10,000 B.C.:
3 out of 5 ticket stubs


Super Smash Bros. Brawl (game for the Wii, rated T)

I have been waiting all year to play this game. Wait, scratch that, I have been waiting since the release of Melee to play this game. And about three weeks before its intended release date, I learn it gets delayed by about two months. It was scheduled to be released December 12^th, just in time for the 2007 Christmas season, but was delayed to February 10^th, 2008. It was then delayed to March 9^th State-side, and was released in Japan on January 31^st. Needless to say, these delays have done nothing but give me a couple of aneurysms and a slew of temper tantrums involving steel bongo drums, a picture of a UFO, and a donut. When I finally got my hands on it, there was way too much packed into it for me to expose in one day, and believe me I tried. Nintendo stuffed everything and the kitchen sink into this game, from Wi-Fi play to an all-new adventure mode and even a 35-strong roster of fighters! Although it still leaves me confused as to why they absolutely insist on continuing to have Jigglypuff. Aside from that, there's all the new stages to fight in, all the new items, and the amazingly incorporated Final Smashes involved. I mean, seriously, I’m getting dangerously close to letting out my inner fanboy-ism. That said, on to the bad. To most non-hardcore gamers, a 44-character roster might be a bit overwhelming, and the load times are a bit longer than I’d like. Which is to be expected, considering, but still. I award Super Smash Bros. Brawl with:
475 out of 500 HP

Eying Devils

Mindless Self Entertainment
By James del Rosario

The Eye (movie in theaters, rated R)

Perchance, I may be biased because I have a special appreciation in my heart for things out of Asia. Whenever we, as in America, decide to remake an Asian film, and especially horror films, my heart flutters faintly because I know we’ll screw up immensely. So when I heard about the remake of the old Chinese horror movie, The Eye, I was understandably cautious. Without a doubt, this was the absolute worst movie I have ever seen. When a horror movie is filled with nothing but gloomy atmosphere and “I-can-see-it-coming” jolts, you have to find a way to occupy yourself. Me, I had a pretzel. And it was honestly more entertaining than the movie.
1 out of 5 ticket stubs


Devil May Cry 4 (game for the PS3, rated M)

To all of those people familiar with the Devil May Cry series may be slightly confused as to why Dante isn’t the main character this time. He appears more as a cameo, not being playable until the last half of the game. Instead, you play as newcomer Nero, chasing after Dante because he for some reason killed your friends, which just happen to be a group of Holy Knights. Hmm. Thankfully, this franchise hasn’t left its roots of action, action, and more action. There’s a new combat system which incorporates Nero’s Devil Bringer, which, in essence, is a spiritual extension of your arm that acts as a grappling hook. I don’t care what anyone says, that is sweet.
375 out of 500 HP

I Am A Legendary Barber Who Is The Best Guitar Hero In The Galaxy

Mindless Self Entertainment
By James del Rosario

Disclosure: The following are solely opinions. I’ll give you facts about the movie/game to help you decide whether or not to see/play it, but the ratings are just my own thoughts. Please do not call me in the middle of the night threatening my life because you felt Halo 3 should’ve gotten a perfect score instead of 450.

I Am Legend (movie on DVD, rated PG-13)

For all who thought Will Smith had been in them all: animated comedy, action, romantic comedy, serio-drama, sci-fi action with robots, and sci-fi action with aliens, be prepared to see him fighting zombies! Or not. Okay, he’s avoiding the zombies. Until he chases his dog into a dark abandoned… well, they were never clear as to what that building was. There’s a lot of scenes with him doing just nothing, and there really isn’t that much action until the last thirty-five minutes. But it’s still a great movie.
3 ½ out of 5 ticket stubs


Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (movie on DVD, rated R)

Never thought I’d see the day when a mass murderer would have a musical. Anyone prepared to see “Jack the Singing Ripper” next? A guy uses his barber-ing skills to get revenge against a man who wronged him. It’s gory as only Tim Burton can provide gore, as artsy as he possibly can. The songs are catchy, but many of them remind of, well, other songs in the same movie. And why is half the cast of Harry Potter here without Daniel Radcliffe? To commemorate this occasion that Johnny Depp can sing:
4 out of 5 ticket stubs


Super Mario Galaxy (game for the Wii, rated T)

Wow. Princess Peach has been kidnapped. Yep, just like every other Mario game in the history of the universe. Okay, so it doesn’t have much of a story. Where’s the surprise there? The graphics are adequate, the game play and physics are top-notch. Only two qualms: swimming sucks. I’m biased because I’ve always despised underwater levels, but still. And why would you give us a million lives just to take them away when we turn off the game? The magic we all experienced when we saw the Nintendo icon in 3D for the first time can’t ever be recreated, but Galaxy comes pretty darn close.
475 out of 500 HP


Guitar Hero III (game for the XBox360, rated M)

Ah, yes, another Guitar Hero. As with any music game, the review begins and ends with the soundtrack. Thankfully, they’ve got plenty of “tight leather jeans” songs to rock out to, and less cover-up bands than before. The difficulty curve, however, sucks. Easy is too easy and Hard feels like you’re playing the songs on fast-forward. Or maybe I’m still an amateur. And to all of those people who say “Extreme isn’t that hard!” then you either have eight arms or a pet tarantula you’ve trained to play for you. The music rocks, though, and I give this game:
400 out of 500 HP

A Movie, A Book, A TV Show, And A Video Game All Went Into A Bar...

Mindless Self Entertainment
By James del Rosario

Hitman (movie on DVD, rated R)

If there was ever any movie based on a video game that missed its target further (which is slightly ironic considering the title), I’ve yet to meet it, and I hope I never will. Hitman the game involves you playing Agent 47, going around killing famous people, and you were scored by how well you executed the kill. The less people suspected and the more it looked like an accident, the more money you make. It appealed to the ninja side of me. Yet the movie incorporated every single action movie cliché, with Agent 47 being a reformed man who decides the organization he works for isn’t all it’s cut out to be. No! Bad Hollywood! While bad enough in itself, it didn’t even manage to make my action-junkie side happy. Terribly executed (notice the pun), this movie gains:
1 out of 5 ticket stubs

Vampire Rain (game for the XBox360, rated M)

It sounds promising at first—a stealth game where you are part of a secret organization that kills vampires under the cover of darkness. Stealth my butt. You can walk directly in front of the vampire you wish to kill and he won’t notice you have a gun pointed at his face for a full five seconds. And when he finally does, you die. Don’t bother shooting back, because you will die. There is no difficulty adjustment, and when you die, you start at the very beginning of the level. No matter what. The multiplayer is nothing but a gimmick, the controls are awkward and unnatural, the story is terrible, and the voice acting belongs to a made-for-TV movie. Like a stake through my vampire-loving heart, Vampire Rain gets:
150 out of 500 HP

Reaper (TV show on the CW17, rated TV-14)

Sam Oliver is a slacker because his parents never pushed him. They pushed his younger brother Kyle to be the best, but let Sam get away with anything. As a result, he’s dropped out of college, has a dead end job, and lives with his parents. On his 21st birthday, he finds out why his parents were so nice—they accidentally sold his soul to the devil before he was even born. Now Satan has given him the task of collecting souls that have escaped from hell. Relatively funny, the show isn’t bad, but it doesn’t stand out either. Reaper deserves a heaven-sent:
3 out of 5 TV remotes

I Am America (And So Can You!) (book by Stephen Colbert)

We all know Stephen Colbert from The Colbert Report (soft T’s, please) on Comedy Central. That is merely one side of him, which his new book fully extorts. Hilariously one-sided, his chapters range from “Family,” which essentially talks about his family, how they’re better and how we can be more like him, to “Religion,” where he exhorts Jews, gentiles, atheists, and Scientologists to jump on the “Jesus Train.” And much like his show’s segment, “The Word,” he has his own footnotes in the margins making fun of himself. But does it work? Though it’s a nice reminder of how stupid we all are at heart, the humor is sometimes either too forced or too clever, forcing me to go “Wait, what?” Not bad, Colbert, but not your best. I give I Am America (And So Can You):
3 ½ out of 5 letters

The January Issue Preface

I'm not entirely sure exactly why I reviewed a book and a TV show in this particular article. At the time, I believe it had something to do with my sub-editor ragging on me for being mean to games she enjoyed. I think she basically ordered me to rate a book and a show along with a movie and a game.

Perhaps it was this injustice so clearly done to me that sparked my mean streak. When it sucks, I'm going to tell you.

Not gonna lie.

The Delay

I apologize for the delay in posts. My flash drive, which has all of my reviews on it, has currently gone AWOL. While I'm sure it's bound to turn up somewhere in that tornado-striked hell I lovingly refer to as "my room," I do realize that the two of you that actually enjoy reading this are probably imagining to rip my spinal cord out. That ought to be fun, eh?

I promise I'll find my articles soon, and continue posting as soon as I've found them.

The December Issue (Internet Edition)

Mindless Self Entertainment (Internet Edition)
By James del Rosario

Now, you didn’t really think the only type of electronic visual stimulation was the television, did you? Seeing as I’m addicted to the computer as well, I thought I’d try something a little different this month.

YouTube User-Uploaded Videos

Charlie the Unicorn

This video had me split two ways. It has terrible animation, most of the voice acting gets on your nerves, and the “Candy Mountain” song has given me a strong desire to slam my head through the wall. But it was the all the things that normally make a video terrible that made this particular one hilarious. It has me addicted, I can’t stop watching, and I hate it while loving it at the same time. So, to resist giving it a 4, I award it:
3 ½ out of 5 ticket stubs


Smosh Productions

Anthony Padilla and Ian Hecox from Carmichael, California have created quite possibly my favorite series of videos to ever come out of YouTube. Each video is absolutely hilarious, and while they all induce the same type of comedy, they also renovate it each time to give each video its own personality. They’ve won YouTube’s coveted Best Comedy Award for their video “Stranded,” and their music video for the theme song of “Pokemon” was once YouTube’s most viewed video until it was removed due to a copyright claim by another user. I proudly give Smosh M.S.E.’s very first:
5 out of 5 ticket stubs (as we hear “Hail to the Chief” in the background)

Flash Games

The Grow Games

From Eyezmaze in Japan comes this Flash puzzle game called Grow. It's very simple to play: you drag and drop the "materials" over to the GROW symbol, and then they begin to—you guessed it—grow. Only one item can be dropped per turn and throughout the turns the materials level up. Depending on the order in which you drop them, some materials will level up more than others, and some will affect the way others grow. There’s only one correct order to level every item to its maximum. It’s challenging, cute, entertaining, and will hold your attention for hours. I award the Grow series:
475 out of 500 HP


Escape the Room

Many of us, including myself, have been captivated by it. Some of us, including myself, have been reduced to tears. And one of us, including myself, has chucked his computer out his window after being stuck in the same spot for five hours. The goal is simple: escape. Clues are hidden in the most unlikely of hiding spots, and you should be clicking every single thing in sight in twenty different places. There are games that are far too easy for the series, created by people with nothing else to do, and then there are games that seem to have no solution whatsoever, created by smarter people with nothing else to do. For making me cry, I give Escape:
300 out of 500 HP