Mario Kart Wii (game for the Wii, rated E)

I've never been a fan of Mario Kart. I've never been a fan of racing games altogether, no matter how kid and cutesy (Diddy Kong Racing) or how realistic and fast (Gran Turismo) they made them. And despite my utter dislike for cars and every vehicle derived thereof, I was actually looking forward to this title, if only because Brawl was slightly exhausting itself due to my utter lack of friends. I also didn't want to become the guy who so obviously plays games by himself due to the fact that he's so much better than everyone else, the lonely bastard.

Yet, with all the quirks and such packed into the game, I was left wanting a great deal of a little something called "more." All the hype, and the most I got out of it was trying out all the new characters. And by god, there are new characters. Honestly, I suppose I can't berate them too harshly for stuffing Diddy, Bowser Jr., and Baby Luigi, as they all had appearances in Double Dash. But why, for the love of God, would you stuff a Baby Daisy, Funky Kong, Dry Bowser, and fucking Rosalina? I mean, Rosalina? Rosalina, a fucking graduate of the Gerard Way School for Blond Emo Haircuts, becomes a kart-driver. Sure, the technology is a bit of a step down from that space station of hers, but as long as you have a Luma next to you, no big, right?

I find it a slight icky when I purchase a game with the word "kart" in the title, then suddenly find myself having to choose from ten motorcycles as well. And really, a motorcycle versus a go-kart seems a tad unbalanced.

Speaking of unbalanced, I really hate the item distribution system. Basically, the law states that if you're in first place, the only two possible items available to you are the Mushroom and a Banana, neither of which help you because there's never a path straight enough for you to use the boost without smacking into a wall, and Bananas are so easy to avoid it's not even fun to rub it in their face. And when you're in last, it's basically guaranteed that you get a Blue Shell, which doesn't help you at all, as it flies to blow up the person in first. But since you're in last, you're in no fucking position to overtake them.

While I realize that Mario Kart is meant to be more of a hectic party game than a race, Mario Kart Wii finally defines the drink between "fun time" and "making a complete ass of yourself when you try to make out with your best friend's wife." Which is possibly quite humorous to some, but many a friend have I lost to the incessant crawl of games that should have been snuffed after the second title. Nice enough for the kids, but not worthy of the hype it's been given.

Iron Man (movie in theaters, rated PG-13)

While I tend to be very nerdish when it comes to movies based on comic books, bashing them for not being true to the origin while still being all-in-all a good movie, I was pleasantly surprised by Iron Man. After the spectacular disaster that was Rise of the Silver Surfer, which was neither a good tribute nor a good movie, you can understand the skepticism I felt towards this new Marvel film. One part of me wanted to hate it, due to its "sure-to-be" deviation from the comic book, like X-Men, SpiderMan, and The Fantastic Four before it. Another part of me wanted to love the film because of its tribute to the one superhero that, while I'm sure the majority of comic book fans know him, isn't as well-known as, say, SpiderMan.

The final part told me to shut up and enjoy.

Which is what I did. Iron Man was both a good movie and tribute, which has been thus far been a concept beyond the thought-process of Hollywood. Where they've failed before, they've now succeeded. Previous Marvel films, while not being terrible movies, have changed the storylines and character portrayals so fiercely that now great story arcs such as Civil War are now impossible to achieve. SpiderMan 3, despite it being 95% chick-flick, I actually enjoyed, even through it's terrible portrayal of Venom. The alien symbiote in the movie enhanced feelings of anger and depression, while in the comic it wasn't the alien itself, but the power it gave its hosts that was corrupting, expressed through the fact that when SpiderMan first rejected the symbiote, he was fatally wounded, and the alien dragged him to safety before bonding with Eddie Brock. Likewise, Galacticus is definitely an intergalactic giant, as opposed to the cosmic cloud portrayed in Rise of the Silver Surfer.

Robert Downey, Jr.'s portrayal, however, was an excellent example of what an actor should do--become the character. As a matter of fact, I can no longer imagine Tony Stark played by anyone else. He just lets the billionaire-playboy shine through, making the action-packed movie still one of the funniest movies to come out this summer. The dialogue is generally witty and fresh than manufactured catchphrases, and the various action sequences are designed to be nothing anyone has seen, despite the numerous superhero movies out. Congrats, Tony Stark. The superhero franchise lives a bit longer thanks to your life-support system.

4 out of 5 ticket stubs

The Final Northeaster

Mindless Self Entertainment

by James del Rosario

We've finally made it to the concluding issue of this school year. This is to be my closing article (yes, that's right--weep. Your anguish sustains me!) And in response, I am telling you which movies and games stuck itself in my mind, for whatever reason, during Mindless Self Entertainment's short lifetime.

Juno (movie on DVD, rated PG-13)

I'm going to say the same thing about this as I do about chocolate sprinkles: get it, and devour it. This movie not only has it all, it executes everything to the greatest perfection. The characters play a serious situation with the greatest of sarcasm and wit, and you just can't help but love Juno. Even I, who dislike sappy moments in the middle of comedies, just love the smooth transitions between dramatic tension and laugh-out-loud hilarious. This movie is by far the greatest achievement of the year, and it is a must-buy for any DVD collection. Special features include "never before seen" behind-the-scenes interviews. I actually began wondering what would happen if you put chocolate sprinkles on top of Juno. Possibly the universe would end. And it would be awesome.

5 out of 5 ticket stubs

Shutter (movie in theaters, rated PG-13)

Okay, seriously, I'm starting to get worried about my sanity. Did I not just see this movie? With Jessica Alba? Or was it Sarah Michelle Gellar? It gets really confusing, what with the never-ending slew of really bad Asian horror film remakes. Perhaps I'm just developing a bias against these horror movies, but Shutter truly just wasn't a good film. Go ahead, watch it. I dare you. And when you're crying your eyes out from the intense horror of this atrocity, horror that isn't given through its intent, I will be standing over you, laughing my head off. Which, unlike Shutter, really is a terrifying sight.

0.25 out of 5 ticket stubs

The Hottie & The Nottie (movie in theaters, rated PG-13)

Ah, yes, another vulgar establishment of Paris Hilton's never-ending vanity. This movie succeeds in doing just one thing: trumpeting the most anti-feminist message I have heard in recent years. The only reason, I can think, that this movie was created was to torture all those who dislike Hilton. Although, there is hope. John Lennon's album, Imagine, went to number 1 on the charts after he died. Paris Hilton fans have promised that her album and movies will also hit the top, if she too agrees to die. Perhaps this is a sensible career choice, Paris.

0.25 out of 5 ticket stubs

Patapon (game for the PSP, rated E)

If you smashed together a red ball of Play-Doh and a blue ball of Play-Doh, you would expect the resulting mass to become purple. This is exactly what Patapon does, and yet they've somehow come out with a rainbow-colored miniature Venus de Milo. Patapon takes several key elements from different genres and creates a PSP game that basically tastes like deliciousness. It blends rhythm-based controls with a horizontally scrolling, real-time strategy game, and has plenty of RPG-styled gear and fantastic visuals painted by some French dude! It's nothing like any game that's come before it, and its retail price is about half of most other PSP games. It's about as much of a "duh" choice as the decision to not jump into an active volcano.

500 out of 500 HP

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (game for the Wii, rated T)

By far, this is the best idea that Nintendo has ever come up with, and possibly one of the best games in the history of the entertainment industry. Twilight Princess smashes together the greatest of 3D gameplay and the best of the 2D weaponry, such as the classic Ball'n'Chain from Link to the Past. And while I thought that enemy was just annoying and near impossible to defeat, I now have the intense pleasure of wielding this weapon for my own. Featuring a much darker storyline than previous titles, this games is absolutely epic and breathtaking. While most other games in the series just involved you walking from one dungeon to another, this time around, the paths to the dungeons are sometimes just as challenging and fun as the dungeons themselves. The graphics, while not on par with other next-gen games, are still the best featured on the Wii. Practically twice as big as any other Zelda game, Twilight Princess is an absolute must-have for any Wii-owner.
500 out of 500 HP


History Channel: Battle for the Pacific (game for the XBox360, rated T)

So here's the good: it plays when you enter it into the system. The bad? Terrible AI, shoddy, put-together-at-the-last-minute mission system coupled with sleepy voiceovers probably provided by the same old men you see on the History Channel, and the fact that I shelled out ten dollars to rent it. I'd say there was a problem with the difficulty curve as well, if ti weren't for the fact that there's a severe lack of one. A typical mission involves "staying alive," which was utterly laughable considering the enemies just looked at me while I waited for the countdown to finish, eventually going onto MySpace to entertain myself while playing a game. That's right; I had to find a way to entertain myself while playing a game, therefore proving that History Channel: Battle for the Pacific has utterly defeated itself in its own purpose.
25 out of 500 HP